Im so sorry. Ive had four commissions done for months, but ive been too terrified to send them to the commissioners. I took more than a few days to finish them and i was so terrified that id taken too long. That i didnt deserve what i was already charging. So instead of doing anything about it, ive just gone totally silent. The problem has fed itself. The same reason i almost didnt finish high school. I was absent and my defective brain told me that people would hate me for it, so i just stopped going in at all. But the longer it takes, the worse it gets.
I dont feel like i deserve money. I dont deserve to eat. I dont deserve what i do have.
Our electricity is being cut off every month. Our car got repossessed. Two of the kittens we were fostering died. One was inbred and had a weak immune system. We took him to the vet the second he didnt look good, he was only a few weeks old, and... I guess he just couldnt take it. He died in his sleep. I found him. Hed been alive for breakfast that morning and i found him before noon. The other one was months old. She was the one wed bonded with the most. We wanted to keep her. She got her head stuck in fabric on one of the cat toys scratching posts thing. And when we found her she was still warm. She hung herself. She was still malliable when we found her so we we didnt know she was dead. We had no car because it got repossessed so we had to keep her body in our mini fridge, the only fridge we have, for a week so she wouldnt rot before we could get a ride to a vet to get her cremated. It was hellish. Im so traumatized that im going to find another cat dead. Every time i see a sleeping animal i know its dead. I start having panic attacks about seeing sleeping animals.
Every loud sound has been setting me off into a sobbing panic. I cant see, my vision goes black. I start shaking uncontrollably and i cant stop. Im so terrified all the time. Every time someone knocks on our door i cant leave the house for days. I cant take it. I start sobbing. Im so scared. My anxiety has been through the roof. It was so hot outside that we couldnt walk to the store that was a few miles out. It was 106 and 107 degrees outside. Our ac broke. Its been sweltering in our room. We werent able to eat. We had no food. Even if we could leave the house, food costs money. We had to choose between taking one of our cats who got sick to the vet or trying to get our car back before they auctioned it off. We chose our cat. She was peeing blood and was rapidly losing weight. We had to ask a friend to drive several hours to us to drive us to the vet. It was hundreds of dollars and they had to keep her for. Days. A friend loaned us a few thousand so we could get our car back. No one was returning clals, no one would answer, nothing went right. L terally everything that could go wrong did.
When we finally got to the bay to get our car, the battery had died from the head. We had to buy a new battery. That was a few hundred. Ofe of our other cats got sick and we had to take him to the vet also. He is also inbred and has a weak immune systvem. He had pneumonia. It was over a thousand dollars. We had gotten a check from the family farm, the quarterly one, and it was several thousand dollars. More than it had been in years and years. But we had to pay the vet bills up front. Then a few days later, our power got shut off again. Megs bank account got hacked and they had to give her a new card, so nothing with auto pay worked anymore, even after updating the info. We had to spend what was left of the money from the check on the power to get turned back on.
I am such a horrible waste of space. All i do is take up food snd oxygen and money. Im so sorry. My depression has gotten so bad that my meds are doing almost nothing. I can barely get out of bed at all, and only because i have to. I hate myself so much. Im showeting once a month. Im not taking care of myself. Every time i lok at food, it pushes me towards an eating disorder. Every time a piece of clothing doesnt fit or is tight i can hardly bring myself to eat. Every time i look in the mirror, i hate what i see. My anxiety has gotten so bad. I just know in my mind that everyone hates me. I dont deserve to be paid for my art and especially not after making everyone wait for so long. I dont deserve to eat.
Literally the only reason i havent committed suicide is meg. Shes the only thing that wakes me up every day. Shes the one thread thats keeping me from snapping. I need to be in a ward again. I cant do this. I cant. Every time someone contacts me, even if its positive, i am so terrified that i cant log into that account for weeks. Im so sorry. Im so sorry everyone. I cant keep my brain focused enough to read even a news article. I dont know what to do. I can sometimes find an hour where im okay enough to talk to someone, but then get so terrified i cant even look at their reply. Even when ive sucked it up and asked for prompts, when i see a message i start shaking and my vision starts blacking out. Im sorry if i cant manage to get the commissions out in the next couple of days. Theyre free at this point. Im sorry if i disappear.